cha 3/08 funny??

 

Chapter 3/008

Funny….? If you can laugh at Life

 

A humourous interlude after a couple of VERY  serious chapters..

So many time my “sense of Humour” got LOST in translation… I felt that often when <and still> … I am serious , “locals” can believe I am joking , and vice versa , when Joking, they think I am SERIOUS, this can be dangerous, the wrong words, can & HAVE started WARS…

Btw , I am half listening to a “Jimmy reading” this guy that does Tarot & astrology probably wants to be serious, but sounds funny to me, with his American accent “ I luv y’all “ every few minutes also makes reference to films ..I really wonder, if he calls “Dead Poets society” a feel-good movie how many of his readers over there “GOT it” 😊

I particularly recall the first “stand up” artist, on tv, a clever irish lad called “DAVE Allen” had this calm way of pointing out ridiculous aspects of life, he did sketches, but mostly it was his ironic take on the way people act, that was very calm & intelligent…

Scot Billy Connolly was more “in your face” and added music lyrics to funny songs told 2 really basic jokes on “Parkinson” <a famous brit tv Interviewer’s show> …

1.        What did the oyster do the night he went to a DISCO..?    A> he “pulled a muscle/mussel” sounds better verbally with his accent & face 😊

2.        TWO ONIONS met in a shopping bag,  and decided to get married.. so… after about a year a little baby onion appeared…  but when it was a few years old ,  the mum onion was distracted and the toddler onion strayed into the street,  a vehicle came along and smashed into the toddler…   they called the ambulance and  young onion was taken to the hospital emergency room.. & operated on…     the father paced up and down , whilst the mum was crying ..in the waiting room until the surgeon… came out to tell them ….. “ the GOOD news is that we saved his life ,   but …. I am VERY sorry to say….  He is going to be …. A VEGETABLE!  ….!

Now number 1 joke is silly … that’s all…  number 2 joke.. may not be PC, for some people, or they may not have the same nuance in context …or simply think it’s a bad joke, which Billy admits , because like myself he doesn’t usually tell jokes, he makes comment, reaction, observations, awareness, of the ridiculous & wonderful contradictions of “LIFE”

I used to travel a LOT, my old original PASSPORT had stanps on every page,,,and yes , at THAT time, I was sort of “proud” …having come from an ordinary family renting social housing,.with no financial backing…got an internationally connected job at 16..seen half the world within the next 20 or so years… yeah , I am not ashamed that there were many things about my PREVIOUS life I enjoyed, although the novelty of travel wore off as time went by, in business it was often 1000kms between a breakfast, lunch & evening appointment, or  seeing a new country via airport-office-restaurant-airport was like a “fast food” experience…but still LUCKY ..

My “funny stories” ;

A.      During the time, I think it was around the time when I was with Seabrook & SMITH Lfd, or maybe soon after that “divorce” I suggested to Jacqui <my wonderful, tolerant wife, sadly departed this planet young in 2005> “its almost impossible to have a summer break, but the wine trade goes quiet after Xmas, until the new year, we could manage to get away for about 10 days in between..    

 

I should have known better, when the electronics of my BMW 735 shut down on the way to the airport that…this was going to be “eventful”  ..but we made it.. just to fly to Lanzarote (Canary Islands) expected to have sunshine.. and the taxi from the airport showed us a sunny, if somewhat “built up” island..

 

The apartment, as part of the “tour operator package” was next to a construction site, and both of us wanted to sleep in on holiday, without the urge to get up for the office.. I called the local agent, and he moved us to a hotel on the other side of the Island… almost FULL of Germans

 

<in the 1980’s there had been a FUNNY advert on tv about germans always covering the beach area with their towels>

 

And,.. thus by the time this lazy couple, got up and sauntered down to the swimming pool, every lounger was covered by towels, the only person who noticed our annoyance was a a Scottish lady , there with her child..  this happen every day..

 

Until one night I took Jacqui out to a local “dance spot” to have a dance, which I LOVE, and I drank quite a lot of Sangria, not very strong, but enough to get me “in the mood”…for what?

 

We  came back to the hotel, about 02/03hrs .. I said to Jacqui “you go to bed” ..she looked at me, I think she guessed my plan.. but knew better than to challenge me once I had decided an action…

 

LO & BEHOLD ..about 7am as the breakfast room was opening… a group of germans came to the pool and covered EVERY lounger with their towels, there must have been about THIRTY…and went inside to join their buddies for breakfast, which Jacqui & I never bothered with, …

 

So , when they went inside, I COLLECTED ALL THE TOWELS AND THREW THEM IN THE POOL.  …I went back up to the room and joined Jacqui in bed, …  later we cam down to the pool and there were several loungers without towels, and some scowling germans, it seems , and a Scottish lady smiling, well, who could prove it..?

😉

 

B.      Another time, in  between the xmas & new year, as I had done before decided to get round to the wine agents , to catch up on any outstanding problems & to keep good contact, as It happened a manager of one of the container transport companies we used <Patrick Van Eckhout, of “Seawheel”> was driving through from Belgium to the south of France and offered to share his car with me for the first part of my round trip (the remainder would be by train/flights)

Patrick & I had some disagreements, but he had a sense of humour & blamed “force majeur” when something went wrong with transport,,, and I had taken him to EXCLUSIVE “Langans Brasserie” in Piccadilly  & introduced him to a beautiful blond lady (with her bodyguard/bf) even though I didn’t know the girl! 😊

 

Francoise & Nicole managed the Dijon agency , which covered the champagne & burgundy regions etc .. we had a token discussion in their office and they invited US to dinner, at a good restaurant in Dijon, excellent meal, they paid & asked “do you wan to go dancing! ?”  ..I love dancing almost as much as playing football, … sure,,, I said…

 

I like the French discos of those times,  early 80s .. and they had a place where U could sit and drink , Where it was possible to talk, so we did, and in between went to dance, mostly fast tracks..I don’t recall any “intimate sounds” .. so as we had been taken there in their cars , so we could drink.. they took us to the motel,  then Francoise took Paddy’s hand & led him into HIS room, and Nicole did the same.. the rest is dealt with elsewhere…

 

I separated from Paddy in Dijon, I had the feeling that Francoise had “ separated” him.. and took the train to LYON where I was going to get a flight to Milano, to meet our/my Italian agents/or rather rent a car to do so..

 

As I got off the train , the city was under FOG,,  the taxi driver telling me that flights were delayed as we arrived at Lyon airport… so I simply resigned myself to a delay & decided to catch up on my own notes at the bar, ordered a drink and “switched off” …

 

Then caught the ending of an announcement, my French wasn’t bad , but I though it was making a last call for MY flight… I went to the departure lounge, EMPTY, sh*t I thought , “I’ve missed it” I said to myself,.. and started to walk to the info desk, when a sweet French voice shouted “Monsieur Smith?”  ….

 

THEN, MY REACTION…oh no, the plane is ready full of English hating French being held up by “Mr. Smith”  ..so on the transit bur,,NO one… up the gangway steps , there was the crew all welcoming me,… “where do you wish to sit/”  in first class,  <I travelled business class/economy always then > ..  a glass of champagne ?  I asked ..why???  their reply was that French passengers knew about the FOG, had trained to Marseille & flew to Milano from there,,,I was the only one who waited at Lyon,

 

The FOG had cleared and  they were scheduled tyo make the flight anyway,,, I had a 737 to myself, treated like a KING, and went off the plane with the flight CREW..

 

 

C nightmare to Glasgow

 

I cant remember exactly when, but we were using a Glasgow based  transporter ( tell the cognac story too>) and I was too busy to go to Glasgow <might even have been prior to S & S>  ..during the week, so British Caledonian were advertising a new schedule London/Glasgow/Edinburgh aimed at businessmen,  and I was a business machine 24/7 x 365… so arranged to meet their Managing Director for lunch at Glasgow airport at mi-day on Saturday

 

So I left my car at home as I was going to a dinner in London that evening.. I noticed FOG <again> on the train nearing Gatwick, and it was bedlam inside the south London airport, with all INFO sings screaming “DELAYED” … this was pre mobile phones, so I called Jacqui, probably during early days of S & S wine services//(my) … my fliht should have left 11h to Glasgow..  it also connected with Edinburgh, after landing in Glasgow, so mid-day WOULD have been fine, with time for meeting & return for the evening..

She got a message to the home of the MD I was meeting, to “hang on” because I was DEFINITELY coming to Glasgow… just after mid0day after a joining a line at the info desk, I was informed that my flight was waiting for a connecting flight from Texas.. .. of course , a surprise,  and about 12.30 the sign lit up that I could go to the departure gate,,

At 13h I got on board, still comfortable with my schedule ..even with the delay, there was only about 6 people on board, I though “their advert didn’t work so well, then?” …I had a seat next to a Scot, going home to Edinburgh,, cheerful enough… we chatted a bit, as I told him my plans…an announcement from the flight crew “we have further delay as we await transfer of the baggage of the group from Texas”.. I was making sarcastic jokes about J.R. Ewing & co <dynasty Tv series popular those days> .. when a loud and colourful group of 25 Texas “cheerleaders” bounded on board, pom-poms & all.. laughing & joking with those cheesy Texas teeth,  the Scot was laughing his head off, at me!

At 15h up we go,   but… at 15,30 h half way to Glasgow “due to the delays , and as our wonderful cheerleaders from Texas are booked at the EDINBURGH festival this evening, we changed our FLIGHT plan and will land at Edinburgh First then back to Glasgow… I erupted “whaaaaatttt” the flight attendant came to me “yes sir” timidly.,,  I gave him the whole bit, all the BS about serving our businessmen etc , got “sold out to Texas dollars” ?  …

He just said, so sorry but now the flight plan is fixed but we will send a message to your contact in Glasgow to wait for you, I thought , well if I was him.. “would I wait?” …

At 17h in Glasgow, we landed, he did wait,..because  I was put in a seat at the front of the plane which was also going to fly back to London.. I told the staff “ok you know about me” I have a quick meeting & repeated the same to the Brit-cal staff at the airport… had the meeting, under pressure we were able to agree our deal for next year quickly …

About 17.30h , I though well they said it would return at 18h , still time to get back to London and my 20h Dinner date,,, however, the MD I met said, “Chris, did u say you will return on that same plane, …”?

We could see the area in front of the terminal where my flight should be….IT WASN’T, there had been no announcement or anything…I went down a flight to the desk, and wherever you live in the World you MUST have heard me,,   “DO YOU REMEMBER ME?????????????????????”

“MANAGER? Where is the manager?”  The poor Brit-cal manager came out from his office and I fully UNLOADED on him..  he said ..one moment, went back into his office, (I thought he might be escaping through a back door) then came out ..here is a ticket for British Airways t London leaving shortly, with profuse apologies… anyway I got the flight, arrived at Heathrow at 19h a bit closer to my destination. And as I walked through the arrivals area, saw a young lady of Brit – cal staff holding up a sign with my name! …  ?   she said “Sir there is a Limousine outside waiting to take you to wherever you wish to go!, with our compliments & apologies” …I made my dinner, changing in the back of the limo..

I still wrote a stinking letter of complain to Brit-cal, who at first denied everything, then when I suggested a media contact in my follow up letter, got my ticket & 150 GBP refunded…

So is that a FUNNY story..? or this…

D, “Parliamo Glasga”…

I think I was working for ISIS, oops not “THAT Isis”… I was commercial manager and it was the company previously mentioned that I later visited in Glasgow, they transported a lot of wines & Spirits.. (Barbour?)

We had this V.S.O.P Cognac orders to ship each order maybe 1400 cartons each with 12 bottles., each order was a LOT of cognac, and one particular week J.R. Phillips ordered 3 loads to be delivered, I think, to a Bristol warehouse, however, said warehouse could only unload one DELIVERY each day, so my panned programme was sent to the Scottish transporter, load 1 on Monday , 1 Tuesday , One Wednesday and deliver accordingly …

But, the Scots, being Scots, the first & 2^nd waited for the 3^rd so that they could drive together, stop off for lunch or coffee, or..  together & so on…they travelled in CONVOY, but because of that the first was behind schedule, so they sped through the French countryside from Bordeaux heading for the Cherbourg ferry..

However, at a certain point en route, there was a police traffic road-block, and the French lieutenant had clocked the convey exceeding the speed limit.. a prim & proper French police officer who studied at the Sorbonne and spoke “correct” English, waved down the first wagon, and indicated to the driver to step down from his cabin…

But, the lead driver, on his CB, had called his 2 compatriots with the message “Parliamo Glasga” ,,, the Frenchman asked for papers, which required no explanation, but then proceeded to say “do you realise you were driving these BIG trucks far too FAST?” … the answer came back in a torrent mixture of celtic & Glaswegian slang, that I can only imitate verbally. as my gran taught me some of the Kelts from her highlands,   ..

The Lieutenant asked “do you speak English?” & in response received another torrent of abuse in this incoherent tongue…after about 30 minutes, the officer gave up, and said “ go on then”, without penalty, and the lead driver just said on his CB… “aye Parliamo Glasga”,,,

😉

E.  more silly.. “ I always feel sad for the horses competing in the water polo..”

And then there is the humour of “Frankie Boyle’s darkness” ;

“The queen said that she is now SO old her pussy is haunted:”

“When Thatcher died, during the “gun-salute” the only question was WILL the soldiers shoot in the air..or AT her coffin to make sure she is DEAD? “

“they voted for a 6 billion fund for Thatcher’s in state funeral, … for that money I would buy everyone in Scotland a shovel so we could dig a hole to hell, and introduce her to the devil personally”

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